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Writer's Block: What a wonderful word   
12:15pm 16/10/2011
  I have several favourite words, but I think I like the word "aubergine" the most just because of the way its pronounced.
I also like the word "uber" and "kumquat" for the same reasons.

However the word "discombobulate" is also fairly awesome and probably the word I try to get most into conversations!
12:00pm 19/01/2005

The Great LiveJournal
Outage of 2005

During the outage I attempted to contact people I have spoken to online through a phone line. I heard voices, it was so strange.

What did you do?

Brought to you by geek-foo

04:00pm 24/10/2004
mood: lethargic
And whoops, I haven't posted for months. I guess for once I've had lots of stuff on and just haven't been bothered to actually sit down and write about it. But, I'm at my parents house, using their computer and my younger brother is watching the football (Man U v Aresnal) so I'm hoping for a good outcome otherwise he'll sulk for a week.

So....whats been happening. Well, I'm just wondering how to compact it down into a decent post so it doesn't end long and whiney and then no one will read it because its like the size of a book.

Well I guess I better start with my depression. I'm still taking the antidepressants and I'm pleased to announce that they are working. However, I've gained some weight. A lot of weight. Like 2 stone in a matter of months. So now I'm in a quandry - do I keep taking them and stay mentally "well", but be a fat old cow, or come off and risk the chance of becoming depressed again? So I'm trying another alternative - chinese medicine. Some people swear by it, others wouldn't touch it with a barge pole, but I've decided to give it the benefit of the doubt. I can't keep gaining this weight - I mean its fine if your anorexic to start with, but I wasn't and now I feel like a whale. Acupuncture is supposed to be excellent to help with depression, and while it is expensive - £35 if you pay as you go, or £25 if you pay it all upfront - my mother has helped pay for it, so I'm gunna give it a go. They said they will give me slimming tablets in time too to help me lose weight because no matter what I try it just won't shift. I've tried eating sensibly, going to the gym and nothing. I'm still gaining it, and the only thing that could be causing it are the anti-depressants.

I've also managed to catch the dreaded cold, so I'm feeling like shite. Not to mention my period started today too, so I feel doubly crap. On top of that, I'm working extra hours this week. All I bloody well need. I'm not going to even start on work as I'd be here forever typing about it, and to be honest its not worth my time.

Actually...I think thats all I'm gunna put for now. I just hope this bloody cold goes quickly....though I'm sure it won't.
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Farewell for two teeth...   
04:58pm 03/07/2004
mood: tired
Yes I have gone through the dreaded "minor operation" and have had them yanked out. Well, saying that I don't know if they were yanked or not - I was sedated! Sedation is a weird thing - apparently your asleep...but not, i.e they can ask you questions and you will reply, but have no memory of the entire thing. I just have blank bits of what happened - I remember the world starting to spin when the drug took over, and I can remember getting in my dads car after, Darren telling me to stay awake in the car, coming up the stairs to my house, being sick, then being in bed. I have no recollection of leaving the clinic, being in the car as such, getting out of the car or getting undressed and getting in bed. I mean I can imagine doing these things, but not remember. According to Darren when I first stood up I wobbled so I sat down again and then my heart rate plummeted and everyone got all worried! It didn't take long to pick up again though so I left soon after!

Darren claims I managed to get my jeans half way down my legs before giving up and falling face first on the bed so he pulled them off and put me to bed. Awww, what a darling. I must have looked a right sight though, and he said it was fairly amusing watching me as I had no idea what I was doing. He wasn't so amused though when I puked blood up all over the toilet seat!

I have to admit its not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I'm in hardly any pain, its more uncomfortable really then anything. Mum was so worried yesterday she phoned up work and told them I wasn't going in, which is fair enough as I really was out of it. Didn't amuse work though so ha ha to the pharmacy.

Ho hum....I'm supposed to be cleaning up today but I haven't bothered...being lazy again. Oh well, have tomorrow off so will do it then methinks.
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Hello from Sainsburys!   
05:56pm 26/06/2004
mood: bored
I'm bored and hogging the computer again so decided to post something while I am here and checking my friends pages for post.

Sooooo.....whats happening. Well not a lot - I'm currently doing a ;ate shift so I'm here till 10pm, then I'm gunna go home and meet up with Heidi and Lucy and drink a few I guess. I might dye my hair, I dunno yet, depends how brave I feel.

Brenda has been pissing me off today but thats nothing new. Luckily I am with Jaz tonight and he is pretty easy going so I can basically do what I want. Its so dead here and time is going very sloooooow. Least I got a day off tomorrow though.

Oh well might post later. Ho hum.
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Wake up its a beautiful morning...   
12:23pm 18/06/2004
mood: Suicidal
Well actually its overcast but I guess thats irrelavant. I can feel another one of my low moods coming on, so I'm not holding out much hope that work can cheer me up later either. I had a inkling yesterday that this might happen, because the trip we took to Belgium wasn't exactly the best ever and the start of the week has been shit so I guess I expected the end of the week to be shit too.

I really don't want to goto work today. The thought of being around false people in the pharmacy won't help my temper and so I'll have to watch what I say otherwise I'll go off on one. I'm not happy with this Temposoft shite and I can see it all going down the pan, or me quitting cuz I won't do what they want me to. I've been such a hypocrite - I was desperate to get off checkouts, and now I am I want to go back. Or do I? The thought of spending several years on a till fills me with dread, but the thought of remaining with the pharmacy just wants me to jump off the nearest cliff.

I'm so annoyed as I started off with being so positive this week - when I get paid I'll go down the gym, try to eat properly and not binge, goto the doctors and get myself sorted. Now it doesn't seem worth it. Everytime I seem to get somewhere, start to feel better, I reach a blockade or a setback and I just end up back where I started. I'll be honest now - I don't know how much longer I can do this. I ran out of steam a long time ago, I don't have the energy to fight anymore. I've just been plodding on doggedly because I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. Existing....coping.

"You're driftwood floating underwater
Breaking into pieces, pieces, pieces
Just driftwood, hollow and of no use
Waterfalls will find you, bind you, grind you

And you really didn't think it would happen
But it really is the end of the line
So I'm sorry that you've turned to driftwood
But you've been drifting for a long, long time"

I guess this kinda sums stuff up at the moment. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow...I dunno. For now though, I have to get ready for work and just pray that nothing will happen that'll trigger me off.

"Low is where your heart is..."
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Fairly amusing :)   
11:58pm 16/06/2004
mood: amused
mordru became turned on by the Power Rangers movie...
nik_w saw something they shouldn't have in abkii's parents' bedroom...
nik_w and paisan have been secretly doing it!
kelpy and nik_w are having sweet, creamy buttsex!
morbiddaughter and weugene do things behind nik_w's back that are illegal in most of the world.
xirt has an invisible friend. They're dating.

Enter your username to dish the dirt on your friends!

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I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon....   
02:00pm 15/06/2004
mood: cynical
In a funny mood today, a little depressive I think. I usually am after a night full of drinking...oh how I hate being sober!

Anyway, in latest news Darren's bike has been nicked. Thieving bastards. Means I'll have to claim it on house insurance which means it'll probably rocket. Ho hum. Didn't touch mine though, despite the fact it was unlocked as well. Obviously not looking for a womans bike!

Have more news on this new Temposoft contract crap - got my hours yesterday and although they are marginally the same, they want me to take my breaks at stupid times and they have no chance in hell to me agreeing to it. So sack me you pathetic whinging coporate bastards. They've totally fucked up the entire system - for example they have someone from the office opening BWS (Beers Wines and Spirits) at 6am - despite the fact we can't sell alcohol until 8am. Where is the logic in that? The mind boggles.

Have to leave for work in an hour. Working my day off as well so I can goto Belgium on Thursday. Muh..not going to feel like a proper day off but I've booked it now so got to go. Got fuck all for money as well. Oh well...maybe I can get some cheap chocolate or something.

Rob wore a purple shirt and tie yesterday. Didn't talk to me though :(
Argh! Hormones!   
07:20pm 12/06/2004
mood: embarrassed
I swear Rob is getting sexier by the day :( Whats the matter with me? Just recently he is all I seem to think about. The past couple days I think he's been avoiding me because as soon as I sit down on a checkout near the supervisors station, he "disappears" - and then I sulk all afternoon because hes not there :( I've never met a guy so shy before - nik_w is pretty shy but at least I can hold a conversation with him and he looks me in the eye! With Rob I just feel like a prized ass when I speak to him. Guh. I also told one of the other supervisors that I liked his new haircut and he had a nice ass...big mistake as she went and promptly told him! Now I feel an even bigger idiot...plus another supervisor heard (one of my friends mum) and has now called him the "checkout stud muffin". To say he went red was an understatement. Poor bloke is gunna get harrassed by all the female staff now and all because I said he has nice hair and a nice bum!
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Wow I'm posting from work!   
08:40pm 11/06/2004
mood: bored
Its so boring here at the moment that I have access to the main computer and so am idely surfing the net in vain of something to do. Ah ha...there are advantages to working in a pharmacy! Barbara, my boss is standing right next to me and reading what I am putting so I'm not even being sneaky about it! Muhhaha!

So...what to report. Well, Rob has had his hair cut (probably because certain people have teased him endlessly about it being quite long) and looks sexier then ever! How does he do it!? Its rather unfair...I'm trying to be good and not think about him but he's not helping matters by looking so good! Grrrr is all I say. Hopefully Bernie will be back tomorrow and act as a go between again - he virtually hasn't spoken to me while she's had a couple days off. Suck. Anyone fancy doing my 8-5 shift tomorrow? I HATE getting up early. Spose I'm working with Bruce and he's very much together so thats nto so bad. Oh well. Only one day I guess.

Well not really anything else to say at the moment. Babs has gone back to her own laptop and left me in peace. They've also put up a notice upstairs advertising for someone to work in the pharmacy - for 30 hours a week and must be a "highly motivated" individual. I'm very interested to see who is going to apply - will be nice not being the "newbie" in here either! Might give someone else a chance eh? :P

Oh better go do some work otherwise I'll never hear the end of it from Brenda tomorrow, not that I care since she is going to another department anyway so I don't see why she bothers to kick up a fuss. I swear that woman is counting the hours until she leaves!

Anyway, that'll be all for now, will post another time if I get the chance. Ta ta...
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Today has arrived at last!   
02:53pm 06/06/2004
mood: excited
Well tonight is what I'm looking forward to - Sainsbury's have the BBQ and Disco at Thursday's nightclub and I'm going to go and get drunk! In fact I've already started drinking - one blackcurrant and raspberry Reef! Erk its not even 3pm yet :S

When I've had a few I like to dance so no doubt I'll make a tit of myself as usual and think that I've come the worlds best dancer as I boogie insanely to any crap that comes on. And all in front of Donnie! :S

I hope he at least speaks to me tonight - and fingers crossed a dance maybe. There's loads of us going though so I might not get a chance - it depends how drunk I get and how brave I feel!

Okay enough now I need a wee.
Whats up doc?   
12:36pm 01/06/2004
mood: hyper
Well I'm still alive and kicking by the looks of it although I haven't got around to making that post I was talking about. I prolly won't mention to much about the holiday unless this turns into a uber long post and I ramble insanely as usual, so beware folks! If you don't want to read anything to long, scroll on now :p

To be honest I don't know how many people read this anyway, but I'm not too worried, if you do thats great, if you don't...well you wouldn't be reading this now I guess :p I tend to ramble a great deal about stuff and I suppose that can get boring, especially if you don't know me very well. Saying that though, I enjoy reading my friends journals even though I don't comment often - trust me I DO read everyone's thats on my list, even my hubbys!

Well onto other matters I guess. I want to talk about work as usual as several things have been happening while I was away. Well, we have a new store manager called Phil and although I haven't actually spoken to him yet, he seems like a complete tit. For one, he decided yesterday (Bank Holiday) that the store should be open to 7pm, instead of the usual 6. That didn't go down well for a start. He's also removed the bay where we keep all the boxes and crates for customers to use for their shoppin claiming it "looks untidy." This man really is talking out of his arse - the boxes are always stacked neatly and there are never any left at the end of the day because customers use them so now us on checkouts get an earful because we don't have them anymore. Jerk. Anyway, he's only supposed to be temping for 4 weeks until we get a permanant manager - our old one Tim now works for Asda and so had to leave asap because he has access to "sensitive material". Shame, he was actually quite cute and always said hello!

In other news, Brenda is leaving the pharmacy to go work in the JSR (restaurant) because she's had enough. So, the end of nect week we'll only have one full timer and 4 part timers. Should be interesting as we haven't found anyone to replace her yet, plus Maureen has been shoved onto checkouts now as Barbara has claimed she is too thick to work in the pharmacy. This is bull - sadly its Maureen's lack of customer service skills that has led her to be booted out. So now I'm stuck with Shirley and Barbara and its going to be hell. I was hoping to be able to convince good old Babs to move on, but despite the huge amount of complaining she does, she doesn't want to seem to budge, so another tack will have to be required...

Also, we are supposed to be having a new clocking in system and a new "contract" as such - called Temposoft. It lists your skills in order (mine would be for example Pharmacy first, then checkouts) then fills in your hours accordingly as to when your needed. I do 30 hours a week and if Pharmacy comes first, then I'll do more hours there then checkouts, and vice versa. They claim to have worked out when "customers need us" and so will put the bulk of people in that area who are trained etc. They also said that teabreaks etc will also be included and people will be allocated to teabreaks instead of checkouts pulling people willy nilly off the shop floor. This works fine - in theory. The pharmacy is open 14 hours a day and there is only going to be 5 of us to cover all the hours...not to mention I still want to keep my Wednesdays and Sunday's off and no doubt I'll get pulled on one of them. Also, it will bugger up the entire system if someone goes sick. Maybe it'll work I dunno, but I'm not putting much faith in it.

Now this is something I haven't posted about before but has been going on a long time, well a few months but I saw little need to put anything about it here although I guess it is "news". A little while back I became friendly with a member of staff called James Clark - he is disabled and used crutches to get about. Anyway, we swapped emails and used to talk to each other via MSN until it started getting to personal and he asked me to do stuff I wasn't happy with - namely stripping off in front of the webcam. Needless to say, the friendship deteriorated from that point on, and then I found out he had a couple of misgivings with girls at work - so much so he was going round calling a good friend of mine a slut, whore etc - you get the picture. Well several girls, including me have reported him to Personnel and to be honest I don't know the situation or what they are doing about it. I don't think he has many friends left in the store now as the majority of girls just keep away from him. When I say girls I mean girls - 16/17 years old in some cases and he is 34. I'm not too bothered personally as I haven't let him get to me, although he has freaked out one or two. Anyway I found out last night that he is actually on the sex offenders list and is due to stay there until he is 55. I dunno if work know about it or not but urgh, what a freak. My brother has been having problems with him recently - James even confronted him in the smoking room upstairs and wanted to know why Shane was staying stuff behind his back - Shane replied he hadn't as he had the balls to say it to his face! I think James backed off a bit as Shane is quite a big guy and wouldn't bat an eyelid about taking him on, disabled or not. Shane is scared of very few things, and giving someone a punch isn't one of them!

Also, last Sunday (2 days ago :P) we had a work leaving party to say goodbye to Rob Doman as he was leaving as a supervisor and going to work in a posh Sainsburys in London (I disputed this as I can't imagine any Sainsburys being posh, London or not!) so we all went to The Gatehouse (or Lloyds Bar), then moved onto Chicago Rock Cafe after a couple hours. Darren has posted in his journal about this so sorry if I seem like I am repeating stuff! I had 3 drinks before we left - a Smirnoff Ice, a Reef and a apple schnaps with lemonade. Daniel came round earlier and also shared in drinks too. We met a friend of mine called Helen at the cross and got down to Lloyds quite early - early enough to have a drink between us before Rob turned up. (I'm going to call Rob Doman Rob, and the affection of my desires as my hubby calls it, Donnie so it doesn't get confusing :P)
A couple of others turned up, then so did Donnie who of course looked as sexy as ever, though seemed quite short for some reason! Not that I cared anyway :P. Needless to say we all got completely hammered and we all got up on the dancefloor at Chicago Rock and danced away to some fab old school rock tunes. I even got a dance with Donnie which really made my day! Poor bloke is so shy though - it took him 3 hours to say hi to me! Bernie, my best friend at work knows about my crush on him and decided to take it upon herself to mention it while I was on holiday so when I got back on the Sunday, she mentioned it to me. Talk about horrified!! It was so awkward that Monday back but I was quite fortunate that I was in the pharmacy so I didn't see him to much, but I had to talk to him Tuesday and I was SO embarrassed. Bernie just laughed though and she teases both him and me about it mercilessly, i.e like yesterday when she mentioned Sunday night to him. Apparently he went the colour of a plum whenever my name was mentioned, and when she asked why he was so red he scuttled off! I'm due to start work in a couple of hours so its going to be yet another awkward moment between us when he assigns me my till! I kinda feel sorry for the bloke cuz Bernie doesn't give a shit and just tells him what she thinks and he always does a runner! I *think* he does fancy me though because there was so much eye contact between us Sunday night and there was a lot of tension in the air. Plus he hasn't said to Bernie that he *isn't* interested and according to her he is really flattered that someone fancies him. I can't read the man, I get such confusing signals but she says she can read him like a book so who knows? I'm glad she told him though - initially I was quite worried but he hasn't laughed at me or told me I'm an idiot so I think it was the right thing to do. It seems to have boosted his ego a little if anything and to be honest that isn't a bad thing either - he isn't egotistical to start with and no one minds their ego being boosted anyway!

This Sunday coming we are having a BBQ and disco at Thursdays (where the New Year party was held) and its going to happen all over again - yay for getting drunk! I'm so much more fun when I've had a few - I'm not depressed and I just don't care about stuff like I do when I'm sober. And no folks, I'm not going to turn into a raging alcoholic ;) Unless we have staff parties every weekend....

God its taken an hour to type all this. Guess I've been a little distracted by a new song I like - Anastacia - Left Outside Alone. The lyrics just seem apt to me :

"And I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When its cold out here
Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone

All my life
I've been waiting
For you to bring a
Fairytale my way
Been living in a
Fantasy without meaning
Its not okay
I don't feel safe
I need to pray"

Also got into a song by The Smashing Pumpkins as well called Today which I heard on the flight back from Spain. Most stuff I like people have never even heard of, so I don't usually go for people like Anastacia, I just like the lyrics!

The sky is looking rather black outside so I bet I'm going to get rained on when I goto work...ooo how to put off affections from a man...turned up looking like a drowned rat..beautiful...
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I'm still alive folks and even turning brown!   
08:08pm 19/05/2004
mood: tired
Not going to post much in here as I have left it to late as usual and have to much to say about everthing so I think I will leave it till I get home and then write a really long massive post and bore you all to tears with it :p

Lounged by the pool today though I wish the Spanish would believe in heated pools - despite the temperature being in the mid 20's, the water in the pool isn't! It doesn't even seem to heat up much so you have to kinda brave it and just jump in. Got moderately sunburnt but nothing big - something I can easily cope with. Even had a siesta today as well - we went to Andorra yesterday (which is a seperate country in itself) and it was a near 4 hour drive so we were up at 6am and didn't really sleep very well on the coach since the scenery was gorgeous! Right up in the mountains and got upto 2500 ft above sea level in some places as well but it really was worth getting up that early for. Didn't arrive back at the resort until well gone 7pm so watched some TV, played cards and then called it a night.

I will post more on that though when I get back - its expensive to use the internet stations here so thats why my posts are pretty much short and sweet. Not looking forward to sitting around in Reus (we now discovered its pronounced as Rayus) airport for 2 hours as I've virtually finished my book and can't get hold of another one! Oh well, will have to find something to interest me at 8am. Will get back to the UK at 11.15am on Sunday morning so will no doubt be online Sunday evening if anyione wishes to chat ;)

NOT looking forward to going back to work - had some time to think about it while I'm out here and I've realised how desperately unhappy I am there - on the pharmacy, not checkouts. I guess I'm just fed up of the backstabbing and bitchyness going on - my boss is plain rude and even the people you think are nice really aren't. When I jokingly said "I bet your all glad to get rid of me for a couple weeks" no one even disagreed with me! In fact no one seemed bothered and I thought well fuck the lot of ya then. I think things are gunna change when I get back but I don't know how, its just one of those "feelings" I spose.

Ack I better head off as I have a whole minute left to finish this. I doubt I will post again before I get back. Going to a water park tomorrow or Friday so no doubt will get burnt so more.

Later folks!
A really quick update!   
08:29pm 12/05/2004
mood: rushed
Would you believe its been raining!? We went to the big theme park Port Aventura yesterday and today and got totally soaked yesterday - it was a horrible fine rain that really soaks you. Managed to get on the majority of rides and even got on the Dragon Khan (Europes biggest and longest rollarcoaster) without any dutch courage ;)

Also been drinking cocktails by the dozen - its cheaper then stuff like spirits or Smirnoff Ice too. Won't bother going to the bar tonight though - they got some naff Mr Med thing going on so might have an early night or try and watch some spanish telly :S

Hrm what else :p Not a lot - I've only got 2 minutes left according to the meter thingy so that will have to be it folks! If your interested in seeing the rollarcoaster definately look it up - its worth seeing and is so big we couldn't even get it in one shot! I have to admit the rest of the 'coasters seemed tame afterwards :P

Ack gtg will try and post again at the weekend after we've visited Barcelona.

Hola from sunny Spain!   
04:46pm 10/05/2004
mood: refreshed
Gunna try and make this as quick as possible as I only have 15 minutes left according to the meter of internet time left, though I can come here whenever I want to update so all is not lost anyway!

Having a great time so far, although we had lots of time to wait about at the airport and such and I've managed to stay up for a record (for myself anyway) 36 hours without sleep! God I was so tired but it didn't seem worth sleeping on the plane since it was only 1 hour 40 minutes long and Spain is only ahead by an hour so don't have to worry about jet lag either.

Our hotel is a 4* hotel and we are on the top floor (4th) and we even have a lovely balcony, although annoyingly it isn't on the poolside, but its no biggie. All the floors are tiled too and the beds are massive! We've gone self catering, though half and full board seem to be available so will look into that next time methinks.

We have 2 huge pools as well, gym, sauna and all the rest plus a rooptop jacuzzi which we checked out yesterday ;) Taken many photos as the scenary is really something to look at.

Also booked for 2 tickets to Port Aventura which is a big theme park and hoping to head to that tomorrow and Wednesday, going to Barcelona on Friday to do some shopping and see the big Fountain display they have on at night with loads of lights and stuff, and going to a huge market (I think its called Bonavista) on the Sunday to see what we can buy! Darren has already managed to burn his arms so lathering up on the lotion big time here as I always fry.

Called home yesterday as well and all seems to be well. I'd never hear the last of it if I didn't call - my mum would prolly panic or something like she usually does.

Hrm what else...well the food seems to be pretty good here as well - tons of restaurants and cafes etc in Salou itself - we're on the tip of Cap Salou near La Pineda and further on up is Tarragona which is where I wanna go since they have a big indoor mall thingy or something. Oh I forgot to mention we're going to head to Andorra for the day as well - they have duty free shopping plus you can see all the mountains with the snow on as well so definately will be taking the camera with us.

Only bad thing so far is the telly - only channels in English are CNN and some sport channel - we did try to watch the Simpsons in spanish but it got quite annoying after a while :/

Ack only 3 minutes left! Don't feel like I've sat here 20 minutes at all. Might send my parents an email later on in the weeek ;)

And I've just spotted some white malteasers so I'm off! Will try and post later in the week now I've found this place so hasta luego folks!
Hi ho, hi ho, on holiday we go....   
12:07pm 07/05/2004
mood: bouncy
Well pretty much everybody knows we are going on holiday since Darren has told everyone he's met so far :p Two weeks in sunny spain should hopefully do me some good, and I thought I better post before I go otherwise you'll all be wondering where I am (well not really cuz I've left it weeks to post before now anyway). I'm a little nervous - there are so many things that could go wrong and me being the pessimist I am I concentrate on that instead of enjoying the fact I'm going away!

Must write a list in a minute to check I'll pack everything.

Least i'm working today and tomorrow instead of sitting around...I think that would make the time go slower. Well its gunna go slow anyway! Argh I wanna go now!
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Stolen from the ever wonderful Hannahgrrl!   
06:23pm 01/05/2004
mood: amused
morbiddaughter's Word Usage
1. i (411) 26. just (63) 51. really (36) 76. well (23)
2. to (347) 27. not (61) 52. off (35) 77. something (22)
3. the (301) 28. this (58) 53. know (34) 78. we (21)
4. and (271) 29. no (57) 54. people (33) 79. too (21)
5. a (260) 30. your (57) 55. would (33) 80. go (21)
6. you (174) 31. as (53) 56. want (32) 81. being (21)
7. it (157) 32. if (53) 57. can (31) 82. by (21)
8. of (140) 33. at (51) 58. going (31) 83. will (20)
9. my (122) 34. all (50) 59. there (30) 84. an (20)
10. in (115) 35. up (49) 60. some (29) 85. has (20)
11. on (106) 36. don't (49) 61. them (28) 86. which (20)
12. that (101) 37. its (48) 62. one (28) 87. darren (20)
13. so (98) 38. or (46) 63. good (28) 88. three (20)
14. is (96) 39. are (45) 64. out (28) 89. feel (19)
15. but (85) 40. been (43) 65. even (27) 90. 03 (19)
16. have (83) 41. about (43) 66. because (27) 91. then (19)
17. i'm (79) 42. like (42) 67. he (26) 92. could (19)
18. with (77) 43. get (41) 68. now (26) 93. back (19)
19. be (76) 44. work (39) 69. can't (25) 94. 01 (19)
20. what (76) 45. had (38) 70. life (25) 95. day (19)
21. for (76) 46. when (37) 71. anything (25) 96. last (19)
22. do (75) 47. yes (37) 72. got (24) 97. 02 (19)
23. was (73) 48. think (37) 73. they (24) 98. someone (18)
24. me (68) 49. time (37) 74. who (24) 99. most (17)
25. i've (64) 50. from (37) 75. see (23) 100. into (17)
Word Count by Hutta.
As everyones having a go   
08:02pm 29/04/2004
mood: excited
1.Go into your LJ's archives.
2.Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3.Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4.Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions

Mine is "The person who was sposed to turn up was posted somewhere else so we got a complete arsehole called Dick."

That was way back when I used to work for good old Right Price....skanky place that it was. Actually, that seems like quite a funny, and apt sentence, and could quite literally mean anything. Would be great fun to get other people to make a story out of that sentence.

Had my Rob fix today - was placed right next to the supervisor workstation so I got to look at him a fair bit :P He even managed to con me into doing overtime on Bank Holiday Monday! There really is downsides to having crushes on people, especially when its your boss. Sainsbury are going to lay on a bbq at Thursdays in June so I'm gunna try and get a photo of him and post it so you guys can see what I'm going on about. You'll all prolly think I'm mad anyway...

Pay day tomorrow! God damn yes!
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I'm still here Guv   
07:25pm 26/04/2004
mood: depressed
Shock horror I haven't kept to my promise to start to keep updating this on a regular basis. There is always a good reason to why I don't - either nothing has happened that I deem interesting enough to put in here, or I'm severely depressed. Sadly its been the latter.

As most people know, I've been suffering with depression on and off for 5-6 years and tried various methods to help lift my moods. I took Prozac for a month or two when I was 18 and that just turned me into a zombie. Now 3 years on, I'm back on tablets - I've just tried venlafaxine hydrochloride (Efexor) and they worked for a month....and then nothing. So drug #3 is mirtazapine (Zispin). I've only been taking them for just over a week or so, and they aren't supposed to "kick in" for 2-3 weeks depending on the individual. The doctor, for some reason has given me orodispersible ones (that means they melt on your tongue basically if you don't know what that means) though I have no trouble taking tablets normally so it seems a bit bizarre. Even more annoying is the fact that most pharmacies don't have them as normal stock, so they have to be ordered in. I don't get them from Sainsbury pharmacy though - as far as I am concerned its none of their business what drugs I take and don't take and I'd prolly get my head chewed off by Brenda or something for not saying anything. Not that I particularly care.

The past two weeks or so have been very difficult. I hit a really bad low to the point of where I just had enough and wanted to end it all. I haven't been that bad for a long time, but twice I finished work and came home and just cried because I was so depressed. I couldn't cope and I don't know why. I was riding my bike home and I knew it would just take that split second to swerve out in front of a car. The thing is, I feel now that I've bored everyone to death talking about my depression so now I just keep it to myself, unless I have a funny five minutes and just let it all out to Darren. I don't even talk to my parents about it anymore because I know what they are going to say. I don't need advice - I can give that to myself - sometimes I just want someone to listen to me and my parents have a habit of giving out advice because "they've been there and know what I'm going through". This is of course bollocks - I'm not disputing the fact they may have got depressed at some point in their lives - but this is something I'm probably going to have for the rest of my life...not something thats going to last a couple of days, or even a couple of months. Its not something I'm going to magically snap out of for christs sake. Its all very well saying "You can't think like that" but when its the way you DO think what else are you supposed to do? People have even suggested hypnotism but I'm not so keen - I would feel violated if someone tried to change the way I thought. I'm me at the end of the day - I'm just beginning to accept this now and so I may have a few problems but I'm lucky compared to some people. Its just that I have a mental illness. Go me.

On top of all this, I've also managed to go and develop a full blown crush on someone. Yes at the grand old age of 21, I have a crush! How fucking stupid is that. And of all damn things, it has to be my boss. You CANNOT get a shittier situation like that. But I've never known anything like it. I have never felt so physically (yes just a physical) attracted to anybody in my entire life...not even to my partner. Ouch. Alright, you can all stop clamping your hands over your mouths in shock. I'm beginning to learn this is perfectly normal - I can still be attracted to other people even if I'm in a relationship. Slight hitch here though. I WANT this guy. Big time. I've even dreamed of having an affair withn this man. What makes it worse is that I have to see him practically every day at work and its agony. Pure agony. I've never wanted anything more in my life. I can't even concentrate if I'm at work because he is there, right there - and technically I can't have him. Everyone I've spoken to about this thinks I'm just being silly and that it will pass. But I've fancied this guy since I started a year ago and every since hes become checkout manager its become worse. I know hes single too. I don't want a long term relationship with this man - I've got too much emotional baggage for any man to want me really - I just want a fling.

There I said it. I don't want to cheat on Darren, nor will it be my intention to purposely do so. I'm not going to chase him but the desire is starting to kill me inside. The ache grows each day. I was so sure I'd never cheat on Darren - I would swear my life on it. In fact I used to ridicule people who fancied others just for their looks because I thought they were shallow, and now heres me doing exactly the same thing. I'm ashamed to admit I desire someone else apart from Darren, desire someone so badly I would be tempted to have an affair with this man, put everything I've worked for on the line just to satisfy my selfish needs.

I already know some people are thinking "I told you so"..the ones who thought I'd got with Darren to young. But that is what I wanted - and still want. I want my cake and to eat it too. I want the security of a relayionship to Darren, but still be able to flirt and "have fun" for lack of better words, with the other sex. That is so selfish, and of course this whole situation is adding to my depression. I still love Darren, but I honestly wouldn't know what I'd do if this guy was to make a move on me. I'm starting to wonder if my relationship is in trouble already and its only been 18 months. There has got to be something radically wrong somewhere for this to happen - I've got a caring family, a great bloke and we have our own place - so why am I unhappy and wanting another guy? I've no idea what to do anymore and I think this is why I've been suicidal - because there is no happy solution. I haven't set out to intentionally hurt anybody...but I already have by admitting this. I don't deserve anything that I've worked for....not if I can't do something as simple as stay faithful to Darren.

My life completely sucks.
Another quiz!   
07:19pm 18/04/2004
mood: amused
Stolen from hannahgrrl

QuizCollapse )
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